Am I A Grown Up Now?

This is a little sad to say out loud.  But this is the very first Christmas I have been solely responsible for.

Huh. Let that sit for a minute.

Let me back track.  We both come from families with some pretty solid traditions.  Our mothers are both very territorial creatures.  I don't say this with judgement.  I can see how we mother's hold onto what is ours and struggle with letting that go. We usually go to Portland for Christmas and we have the Bures Christmas a week before.  So we always bring whatever presents we have to each side's of the holiday.

But this year we aren't going to Portland for Christmas.  And we already had the Bures Christmas.  So this year it is our responsibility to make sure Santa gets here and the boys have the great Christmas morning they have grown accustomed too.  There is a bit of pressure here.  I have also grown accustomed to my parent's Christmas.  And they can go a bit overboard at Christmas time.  So I really have to fight against not just buying every single thing they point out to me.  A) I can't afford it.  But B) I don't want them to get every single thing they have asked for.  The big ones, sure.  The ones I have heard about over and over and over again. (This year it was the Nintendo DSL. THANK YOU MOM!) But that's not how life works. You don't get everything you want.  So when I first look at the tree I panic thinking I haven't gotten enough. 

Truthfully I still got a lot of help.  My mom sent quite a few boxes to the house. Enough I felt like I needed to tip our mail man on top of the gift card I got him.  But tomorrow morning will be just us.  Just our little family.  Will it feel quiet?  Sure.  Do we all love hanging with whatever set of cousins we are with? Absolutely. Do I miss my sister? Duh.  But I'm also excited to start a new tradition.  I like the idea of spending Christmas morning with just us.  These three people are the people I love most in this world.

And Christmas isn't about the gifts that are around the tree, it's about the loved ones around your tree.  (As long as the loved ones don't touch our tree because it was dead on arrival and if you blow too hard on it, it disintegrates. )

Merry Christmas ya'll. I hope you are surrounded by the people you love most in this world.

Merry Christmas Grandma Mac

I miss my Grandma.  I don't write about her often because I usually just end up sobbing.  I feel so grateful that the boys have 2 sets of Grandparents that love them as much as I was loved by my Grandma.   I wish I would have made sure to visit her more then I did.  I wish that I would have called more just to talk to her, instead of taking for granted that I would see her at the next birthday party or Christmas.  Christmas.  I miss her the most at Christmas.  I think because I have such a hurtful and strained relationship with my other grandmother that the fact that she isn't there at the McLaughlin Christmas is deeply felt for me. 

My Grandma did not think I was perfect.  And I got in trouble sometimes with her.  But I never for one second felt unloved by her.  In fact before the wedding, when I wasn't sure who of my family members were going to show up, I called her.  I was crying and I asked her if she was going to be there.  And she said, "Oh honey.  There is absolutely nothing that could ever make me not be there."  (Dammit. Sobbing again.) And in that moment I was once again reminded that no matter what mistakes I may make, she had my back.

Her last week or so in that hospital, I showed up.  As often as I could.  And I stayed as long as I could.  I wanted her to know I was there.  That I had her back too.  I said everything I needed to say to her.  I brought Aid to her almost every time I came.  I desperately needed her to know that despite all my failings as her granddaughter that I loved her.  More then I could ever tell her, though I tried.  I was late on the day they were going to remove her tubes.  I don't remember why.  I think I just had a 1 year old and I was a mess.  But I was late.  And I ran into the room so afraid that I had missed my last chance.  And she turned and looked at me.  I know she saw me.  I know she did.  And I got to say good-bye.  It was a deep deep loss for me, as it was for others.  And I find myself talking to her all the time.  Especially when things are rough.  And I always feel like I can hear her respond.  I can hear her say, "Honey it will all be ok." I know that sounds silly.

As I was putting up the holiday decorations I realized how much I have collected from her.  She's everywhere in my home.  She's in the owl mugs my children drink hot cocoa out of.  She's in the owl vase my sister got for me.  She's in the hand knitted wreaths that hang on my wall.  Owl Christmas ornaments hang from my tree.  I cry every time I see the box that holds them with her handwriting.  My house may not look like an elegant Christmas display out of a magazine.  But she's here, everywhere I look and it brings me comfort.  I hope she knows how often she crosses my mind.  I hope she's rolling her eyes at my owl tattoo.  I hope she is smiling when I tell the boys that my Grandma made this.

Merry Christmas Grandma. I love you.