From One to Two

I knew that there were going to be some hard changes to make. I just didn't know how sad some of them would make me.

I have basically been doing bedtimes with Aid since he was born. It's been me and him. Bob has progressively participated more and more, and within the last few months has become a major bedtime player. But even if Bob was the one doing the reading I have usually been in the room. I can probably count on both hands the number of bedtimes I have missed.

With Grant this has become increasingly difficult. I have probably only done 2 or 3 bedtimes and during those times I listened to Grant scream from the other room. Grant is too young to introduce a bottle too (without possibly messing up our breastfeeding which we are slowly getting a handle on.) If I could it would be easy. I could alternate. But as it stands, they both tend to go to sleep around the same time. Which should make me happy that they are on the same schedule. But it doesn't. It's horrible. Because every nap time, every bed time is a choice. Which son will I choose to be with? And the majority of the time I have chosen to feed Grant because I cannot tell him to wait a minute. No one else can feed him yet. And Bob can be there for Aid.

But I want to be there for Aid. Tonight I tried to compromise. I promised Aidee that I would quickly feed Grant and put him down and then come back. An hour and a half later I finally got Grant down. His tummy has been off and he has been very gassy and poopy and having a hard time. So by the time I raced back into Aid's room, he was fast asleep. I sobbed. I feel like I am letting him down. I am supposed to be able to figure out how to balance their needs. As I listen to Aid sob that he wants Mama I feel like a failure.

Earlier today Grant was actually sleeping and I was very excited to be able to do nap time with Aid. I have been thinking if I can at least do one of them each day then I will have compromised both of their needs. I went to pick him up to take him and he began asking for Bob. I asked if he wanted mommy or daddy to put him nigh nigh....he chose Bob.

In that moment I felt how I imagine he must be feeling. My aunt gave me advice when I told her we were having a second baby. She said meet the toddler's needs first because they will remember. But it hasn't been that simple. Times are changing. They have to and there will be many more rough spots. But this one...this one breaks my heart a little bit each time it happens....